HEALING IS NOT EASY
#2 HEALING IS A CHOICE!!!!
When I first started this journey about 5 years ago, I didn't even realize that Healing is what I needed. I was balancing the life of being a hard-working single mom and a bisexual free-spirit party girl. I thought by doing what I had to do and then rewarding myself after work or on my days off was me living my best life. Like most people, I loved my wine and champagne while in a warm bubble bath as well as some shots after a long day at work. My bills were paid and I always spoiled myself materialistically so I thought I was healing but apparently I wasn't.
Alcohol has taken up a huge chunk of my life ever since I was little. Seeing the effects it had on my family members and how I was so fearful of it. Somehow through my fear, I was curious about the feeling it gave. I began experimenting with drinking around 13 and in the early 90s Rum and Beer were on the menu. I had some fun great memories but also some really bad ones that I'm still healing from. Over the years alcohol helped me cope with feelings that I didn't know how to deal with. I was mad at so many people that did me wrong that I hurt myself on top of that. I used to stand in front of liquor stores at around 15 to try to get people to buy a bottle for me and my friends. The crazy part was when I started going to clubs heavy around 17 I didn't drink, I just danced like crazy. So alcohol was not in control of me just yet but it was just the beginning of the next 17 years of pain hidden behind a smile.
Webster Hall was a staple on Thursdays in New York because it was Ladies Night. The late 90s-early 2000s was a crazy few years of club-hopping almost 5 days a week. Let me tell you I was in college on an athletic scholarship for softball and worked 2 jobs but I still found the time to party. Barely making my rent money or having money for food I always found a way to get a drink in the clubs for free. I knew everyone at every location in the club scene by 19 years old. They would take care of me as if I was a celebrity which meant I never stood in line, never paid to get in, and never paid for a drink. So now not only was I using my looks and my talk to get what I wanted but alcohol now was the goal instead of just having a good time.
My early 30s were grown and sexy with a nice bar in my home with every type of liquor and mixer needed. Every person that came into my home I made them feel comfortable with a nice glass of any alcohol of their choice. At this point not only was I drinking almost a bottle of wine by myself but my tolerance was so high that I could drink so much but then not even know when I was blacked out. I have been through life-threatening dangerous situations that only the grace of God could be the one to have saved me from them. This is when I know that I was an alcoholic that was codependent on the feeling it gave to cope with the pains I had inside of my heart.
In life, we may not know what we need to heal but God graced my life so many times that I know I needed to become sober. In the last 5 years I have had a few relapses but I can not be more proud of my steps forward to continue to heal no matter how many steps back. I would always pray to be happy and ask God to look over me but he would reply believe in yourself. It took me changing my whole life to get to where I am now and to actually not crave a drink at all. So for anybody trying to sober up do it step by step, day by day, and remember Healing is Not Easy.