Updated: Jun 7
#3 CELIBACY JOURNEY
Every form of relationship affects your healing. From friendship to marriage, healing can take longer than expected around the wrong people. Dating tends to reopen wounds that haven't healed properly. We are conditioned to find our soulmates when we have to love ourselves first. Dating is not easy and can be scary for those looking for something more than just a physical connection.
Love was something I gave to all the wrong people that needed it and drained me of mine. I've been dating since I was about 13 which would probably make me an expert by now. Yeah right!! Every relationship or situationship has taught me valuable lessons about myself. I learned that no matter how good you are they will still treat you however they want. I was spoiled with whatever I wanted which was a coverup for what I truly wanted. Dating men & women have shown me the versatility of emotions that each possesses and craves. My 1st feeling of love was around 16, which was a love square between 3 other people who had no idea about each other. What's even crazier is that they were all virgins and I wasn't. So having the upper hand in the sexual department, I felt like I was in charge and already knew their intentions or desires. Each of them had qualities that I admired but none had enough consistency to catch my whole heart. I thought if I would be faithful to one for a certain amount of time I would receive the outcome I felt I deserved but that backfired. Not only did I realize at an early age that the love I wanted through dating wasn't fulfilling but also I was what you called a "Free Spirit".
Dating wasn't easy when you are also trying to figure out your sexuality. Some people say being bisexual is just being confused or having the best of both worlds. In actuality, it was hard having an attraction to both sexes and never feeling satisfied with either. Now looking back I realized I had to learn how to love myself by myself. Nobody will appreciate all that you do or every personality trait you may have. My ego was a cover-up for my insecurities and my tolerance for bullshit was because I felt anyone that dated me had to deal with my bisexuality or my cheating ways. Over the years I have gotten my heart broken so many times that it exceeded my 10 fingers. I always gave hope and asked God if this was the person for me even though I saw a few red flags in the beginning. Craving to be loved and have the soulmate marriage type of perfect relationship just wasn't in the cards for me yet. Almost 5 years of no dating have been an eye-opening experience for me. From celibacy to self-control, this was just another part of me that needed HEALING.
At first, my celibacy journey started with changing my phone number and deleting people from my life. God had a bigger plan for me but I was rebellious in the beginning since I was always used to having someone to call when I was lonely. I stopped drinking and smoking cold turkey which played a big part in whom I dated. Cutting out my bad habits and the codependency relationship I had with them allowed me to feel what needed to be healed. I have had a few relapses over the past few years but God realigned me onto my healing path and spoke to me louder than this journey had a bigger purpose than just HEALING MYSELF. I finally have come to a point in my life where I am no longer embarrassed talking about my truth and how hard it is to heal. I want all my followers to feel inspired and know that no matter how many times you fall just get up and continue on your healing path. Do what's right for you and take one step at a time. Let's FEEL & HEAL Together!!!!!!